The Inevitable After-Guests Debriefing

This is kinda late, but we had our friends Justin and Lauren and their three kids over last week for the holidays.

"Does it have to be that loud?" I asked my husband with real concern, after our guests had left for the evening. "Does it have to be that way?"

"No, it doesn't." I was kind of surprised by the vehemence in his voice. After all, I had never seen him in this kind of situation, surrounded by the madness of numerous under-twelves in our home. I thought he had been very patient. He had looked unruffled throughout the entire evening.

"So talk to me. Tell me your thoughts." I love a peek inside my husband's brain, and it sounded like he definitely had an opinion about the night's events.

"Well, I know what you mean when you say that Justin isn't very hands-on. I mean, Lauren kept asking him to help out with the kids, and he just stood there. If you made a point to ask me, in front of company, to help out with one of our kids, I would assume that meant you were at the end of your rope. I would step in and discipline. And if the kid started to cry or whatever, I would just take him in the other room."

(Is it weird that I find my husband extremely hot when he talks about equitable division of parenting tasks in regards to our future children?)

"And also..." he continued, "what is with that whole 're-directing' thing? If a kid wants something, and they shouldn't have it, say no. No, you can't have that present. It isn't yours. Don't just try and distract him with something else, without making it clear. And for frick's sakes, be consistent. If you tell a kid 'no', and he keeps asking and asking and asking, and then you give it to him, what does that teach him? It teaches him that if he keeps asking long enough and wears you down, that he will eventually get what he wants."

Be still my heart. I love that man.

Our Christmas, Part One...

Last night, we had my husband's sister, brother-in-law and their four kids over to celebrate Christmas. They have a toddler, and three other kids, aged 7-13. We had a great time, but maaaaaan, that is enough to get you thinking about what it really means to have children.

They are all good kids. The littlest has so much spunk that I think we could solve the energy crisis if we could just learn how to channel it effectively. At the end of the evening, my dogs were looking up at me with big, pleading eyes, as if to say, "Can we keep him? Puh-wease?"

And even though the kid slobbered chocolate all over my velvet couch, I was surprising ok with it. I was also fine when he jumped up and down on my leather ottoman. I was alright when he tried to open my antique secretary by clawing at the drawers, and when he knocked over a couple dining room chairs. I was surprised by how alright I was with it.

In fact, the only thing that really made my heart beat a little faster was when my husband picked him up and was playing with him. Big guy with a giggling kid slung over one arm, on their way outside to play with the dogs? Yep, that looked right somehow. And even though it was nice to have some quiet and a glass of wine after they left, the house did feel a bit emptier once they all filed out the door.

Merry Christmas

I'm wishing you and yours a blessed, lovely, enjoyable holiday today and tomorrow. I hope that you have lots of smiles and excited children around you! And I hope you can avoid the joy-suckers in your family. (Every family has at least one.) If all else fails... hit the nog.

Merry Christmas!

Holy Craptastic Decorations, Batman!

Dude.... (Well, first of all, let's clear the air. I'm from California, and therefore allowed to say, "Dude," whenever I want. I pay higher taxes just for that right, actually.)

As I was saying: Dude... it was scary in Kmart today.

Sadly, Kmart is the best my town has to offer in the way of last-minute Christmas shopping, and my lack of planning forced me to join the hordes of people rummaging through the toy aisles, hoping that maybe behind all the plastic crap in front, there were hidden, high-quality toys that we could give to our loved ones without feeling copious amounts of shame. Alas and alack, this was not the case. Behind the plastic crap was more plastic crap.

So, I gave that up and wandered.... actually no. It was more like bustling. I bustled over to the Christmas decorations and tried to find something to make my house look better. Which, is ridiculous. Cause, c'mon, it's Kmart. But they do have the Martha Stewart line of stuff that usually sucks less. But this year, I am sad to report that even Martha's label could not stop the suck-fest. Everything was ruffled, and they tried to push that light, icy-blue look HARD this year. It was that, and a light purple. Yuckity, yuck, yuck, yuck.

It looked like the sugar plum fairy's ugly older sister had copped a squat in that aisle. Massive Christmas decoration FAIL, to say the least.

Giveaway.... Coming Soon

Hello beloved readers.... (all seven of you.) 2010 is fast approaching, and one of my resolutions is that I use or get rid of all craft supplies that I have already purchased before I allow myself to purchase more. This is where you come in.

I will open up the contest with a post just after the new year. I'm thinking that the giveaway will be a stack of fat quarters, in assorted colors. (Cause that's one of the things I need to get out of my craft stack.)

Is anyone interested? If you know anyone that is... pass it along. I'm hoping to post the giveaway on January 3rd.

LOL...

I just realized that after my last post, the GoogleAds in my sidebar are advertising adult books. Apparently the good folks at Google know what playing the skin flute is.

Aw, giggity.

Reasons For vs Reasons Against...

Now that this school madness is behind me, I can focus on other goals. These goals may or may not include: getting thin, getting knocked up, starting some kind of home-based business, and organizing my house so well that it makes everyone else feel bad about their house. I might also start learning how to do my hair in the morning, but that goal is totally unlikely. Blowing my hair dry makes me cranky. Is it a coincidence that all things called "blowing" actually suck? I think not. (Side note: Did you know that the other kind of "blowing" got it's name because a famous jazz artist way-back-when termed that act, "playing the skin flute"? Betcha didn't.)

Moving on....this past week offered Hot Husband and I some opportunities to think about reasons for and against having kids.

For instance, we went out to dinner with some engaged friends of ours, and they both expressed their passionate conviction about wanting children. Which frankly, made me feel stupid for not having made up my mind yet. I mean, there was no uncertainty there. It was like, yeah... we're totally having kids a year after we get married! And then I was thinking... well... where are the normal doubts? How are you going to pay for daycare? Or stay-at-home-mom-ness? What about autism or schizophrenia?

But they were sure. Maybe they haven't checked out the price of cribs lately?

Then, we went away for the weekend, and there was this couple in the hotel room next door with this little fuzzy rat of a dog. And they let it out of their room, and it ran over and plopped itself on the blanket I was lying on. And the lady said, "Oh Pepper, come here. Get off of there." And while I was politely waiting for the lady to come collect her mutt, the lady sighed and went back into her room, leaving her dog. Hot Husband and I exchanged a WTF glance, and I collected my blanket by yanking it out from underneath the dog, while HH swatted the thing in the head with his (paperback) book.

I pointed out to my husband that some people have kids so they don't end up being the crazy dog people. And he pointed out that we might already BE the crazy dog people, since I'm pretty darn convinced that my dog is smarter than your seven year old brat, so nyah.

Ok, have you all seen the movie, "UP"? If you haven't: do that. If you have: "I HATE squirrels!" I will wait for you to stop chuckling to yourself. I was a wreck during the first five minutes or so of that film. Like... bawling. In the movie theater. Yes, it was one of my finest moments. The point is, I don't want to leave my husband alone. What if I die when we are eighty, and there is no one to take care of him because I was too selfish with my rental space in my uterus?

But then again... I watched a Grey's Anatomy re-run, and it had a dood with mental illness on it. And I'm thinking... is it terrible of me to say that I would prefer to stay childless if I knew my son or daughter would end up mentally disturbed and try and choke me in my sleep? Am I an awful person for saying that I am scared for my children's health, and what implications that health has on me? Is that horrendous for me to think about? And if it is, does that mean that I shouldn't have a kid at all? Does it make me selfish if I only want to change my child's diaper for two years, and not thirty-two years? Am I jinxing myself for even writing this down?

I'm a Genius!

Sorry for the lapse in posting, but it was exam week, and then Hot Husband and I went away for the weekend.

I got my grades back, and you should all feel so blessed to be reading my blog, because apparently I'm brilliant! I got an A in Microbiology, an A in Physiology and a B in Organic Chemistry. Huzzah! Hooray! Haroo! (Insert your preferred celebratory outburst here.)

For Jamie...

My good friend Jamie is going to Georgetown for Nursing school this winter. Woot, woot! This means that she will be leaving all of her furniture behind her, and must rely on the local IKEA, and what can be delivered to her apartment. Her budget: $1500.

Here is the really, really cheap apartment I designed for her. The total cost is about $1200. Hope you like it, Jamie!

Sources:

IKEA- table, dining chairs, kitchen box, dishes box, two coffee tables, bookcase, dresser, side table, vase and bed. Walmart- bedding. Overstock.com- Sofa and chair.

What the World Needs Now....

Ok, love is always good, but here are some other things that I think we could use more of:

-The word 'Shazaam!' (Must be said with an exclamation point afterwards.) Try it! It's unexpectedly hilarious. I like to use it when putting dinner on the table: "Shazaam!"

-Hand-written letters.

- Saying "please," "thank-you," and "excuse me."

- Following basic traffic principles when pushing carts in the supermarket.

-Random jazz-hands. Great as a response when someone flips you off in traffic.

Another Gift Idea....

This is another item that I would love to find under the tree, for me. But then again, I really need an address book, so if this little lovely from PaperSource doesn't show up for Christmas, I think I can justify buying it for myself.

Book Love...

I know that these have been blogged about many, many times. But in case you have been living under a blog rock, these are the new(ish) clothbound Pengiun Classics line. They have taken several classics, and rebound them in lovely covers. I already have copies of all these books, but does that mean I cant have another? In a lovely blue or golden color?

Another "Never"

Ok, here is another thing that I hope to never, ever do as a mother:

-Write in the "voice" of my child. For example... I brought a present to a one year old's birthday party, and got a thank you note like this:

"Thank you oh so much for my widdle cuddly blanket. I really wuv it alot. Thanks for helping me celebrate my very first birfday! Kisses and cuddles, Paul, age 1."

Now, unless your kid is a freaking genius, Im not buying it. Usually they potty-train before they start writing in script. Here is how a thank-you note from me might read:

"Thanks for humoring us by giving up two hours of your Saturday afternoon and coming to our son's birthday party. Im sure he would thank you himself if he could, or if he knew you had been there. I will show him pictures when he is older. Thanks also for the great train set! Im sure it will keep him entertained for at least fifteen minutes at a time, (which is HUGE.)

Sincerely, ChicChickadee, Hot Husband, and Biscuit.

PS. Im very sorry about that cake-throwing incident. Please send us the drycleaning bill."

What I Want For Christmas....

These rings are perfect. I know they are supposed to be sea anemones, but all I see are flowers Dr Suess would be proud of. And that is a good thing. A very, very good thing. I want them oh so much.

So... you know who you are. Yes, I'm talking to you, handsome. I would be super-ecstatic-excited if these showed up under the as-of-yet-non-existent Christmas tree.

Random Phone Conversation

(Ring, ring.)
My hot husband: "Hello?"
Me: "Hello, sir! You have been chosen to participate in a game show called, "There's Only One Right Answer!""
MHH: "Um...ok."
Me: "Would you like to hear your question?"
MHH: "If I have to."
Me: "Your question is: What are you doing this Saturday?"
MHH: "Improving my kill to death ratio on the Playstation."
Me: "Oooh, Im sorry, sir. That was not the answer we were looking for. The correct answer was 'cleaning out the garage with my wife.'"
MHH: "Ha."
Me: "But good news! As a consolation prize, we are giving you an afternoon cleaning out the garage with your wife!"
MHH: "I bet."

Procrastination Update....

The little shits already ripped their new dog bed. I guess my sewing skills need some work.

Questions and Comments for My Chemistry Classmates

To the girl in the front row who wears acid-washed capri pants with her socks pulled way up high underneath:

It seems that you do not feel the need to raise your hand before you blurt out a question. Why is that? It is a bit startling to the rest of us when you yell out random observations or questions while the teacher is mid-sentence. Knock that shit off, will you?

To the forty-something who has more Disney sweatshirts than is even reasonable:

Since A) this is a community college, and B) you are a student in this class, I can assume that you do not have more education than our professor, who has a doctorate twice over. Therefore, please stop challenging what she says on an almost a daily basis. She has been teaching for many years, and does not need your help.

To the slightly-smelly female in the side row:

Humming mid-lecture is never acceptable.

To the blonde guy:

Please understand that your classmates might be a little confused when you tell them you went to medical school and are just taking this as a refresher course. You look nineteen, which is way too old for tall tales.

To my lab partner:

I really like you. Really. You are kind and organized in the lab. However, we are not nearly close enough for me to point out that your nipples are out of control. Seriously. Buy a padded bra. Nippage is always distracting, but yours are often pointing in different directions or not in agreement about the temperature of the room. And the size.... it looks like you are smuggling two small stacks of dimes. If we were closer I would break it gently to you over daiquiris.

Procrastination...

Last night, I sewed the doggy-wogs a new doggy-woggy bed. I also sewed a pair of baby booties for my friend's unborn baby.

Why yes, I do have an Organic Chemistry exam tomorrow. How could you tell?

Random Fears

I have random fears. Like, unfounded.Here are a sample, for your mocking pleasure:

- Whenever I speak in front of strangers, like in a presentation or an interview, I am afraid that I will vomit. I have never vomited in a situation like that, but still, the thought will pop into my head and I will have a hard time focusing.

- Im scared of hyenas and scorpions. So much so that if someone talks about them, it makes me nervous. It should be noted that I do not live in an area that has either. (We do have a roaming buffalo in the area, but that doesnt scare me.)

- I have a reoccuring dream where I come home to find a red sportscar in the driveway. It belongs to my husband's mistress, who came over to tell us that she is six-months-pregnant. My husband doesnt so much as look at other women, and he dutifully averts his eyes when Victoria's Secret commercials come on. (By the way... I know Victoria's Secret--it's a talented surgeon.)

Gift Ideas for Ladies

For the hostess: The Celebrate cookbook by Sheila Lukins. It gives great hostessing and recipes for every occasion throughout the year. It is a personal favorite.

For the Woman who has Everything: Five nesting Lotus bowls by WhitneySmith on etsy. I cannot get over how lovely these are.

For the Wordsmith: Diamond hardcover book by windyweatherbindery on etsy. A lovely journal makes a very thoughtful gift.

For ladies you hardly know: The Petit Paris Calendar, by littlebrownpen on etsy. Everyone needs a calendar or two, and this one is small enough to display almost anywhere.

Pear altered notebook by zany on etsy. This is such a deal, you can pair it with a really nice pen for a great gift.

Gift Ideas for Kids, Ages 7-12

Ranger Rick magazine, sold by Amazon.com. Every kid loves to get mail just for them. This is a great magazine full of science and nature activities and articles. (And no advertisements!)

Roger and Hammerstein’s Cinderella movie, sold by Amazon.com. If you have to buy a movie, this might just be the one. It is beautifully done, with great music and lovely costumes.

Melissa and Doug Flower bead set, sold by Amazon.com. I have found that girls in this age group love to make and design things. Bead sets are a great option.

Gifts for Kids, Ages 3-5:

Dollhouse from Land of Nod. It can be difficult to find a nice, sturdy dollhouse.

Band in a box from Land of Nod. Do not buy this if you do not have a rock-solid relationship with the kid’s parents.

The yellow bounce ball from Lillian Vernon Kids. Yes, it’s plastic, but it promotes fun exercise that can be done in a limited space.

Gifts for Babies and Toddlers

Has anyone noticed that toy aisles are full of lots of plastic junk? I have ten nieces and nephews, and it is hard to weed through the cheap, flashy items to find gifts that the kids will love, and that I can feel good about giving.

Babies and Toddlers:

Wooden train set, also from Land of Nod. This is a classic gift that boys and girls alike will love.

Alphabet cards from Land of Nod.These are beautifully illustrated, with fun colors.

Sophie the Giraffe from Land of Nod. This is a teething toy that parents can feel good about giving their child. It is made from safe plastics and food-grade dyes. And it squeaks!

Imaginary Holiday Dress-Up

If we had a little girl, this is what she would be wearing for Christmas at the relatives' house. It's from BabyGap. And for a little boy, these:

Sorry, little biscuits. Mom is kinda preppy.

Thinking and Talking...

Last night, my husband and I got some major food for thought. We went to visit some friends who have four children and a new puppy, and we stayed for the whole day. Watching other people deal with their kids is always interesting, and always makes me think of how my husband and I will handle our kids.

On the ride home, we chatted about the kids, discipline, parental involvement and structure. It is nice to know that we are on the same page on so many issues when it comes to kids. Im very glad that I am married to a guy that doesnt want to sit back and watch me raise our kids.

Letting a Baby Cry...Opinion Shitstorm

Today I was reading the blog Heir to Blair, which is fabulously snarky. Love it.

Anyhoo, one of her posts was about how she and a friend of hers were discussing the natural feelings that occur when your child has been screaming for no apparent reason, for hours. You can read that here. It's a refreshingly honest post, and it was great to read all the supportive comments behind it.

Afterwards, I googled "Is it ok to let a baby cry?"

It amazed me how many people out there believe that it is not ok for a baby to cry by itself, ever. There were many comments about how babies only have the one way of communicating, so we should always be right there to listen and comfort them.

Whatever. If a baby is fed, clean, dry, and comfortable, that's about all you can do. Sure, any reasonable person knows that babies need lots of contact and love. That's why God made them so cute--so people would want to pick them up and nuzzle them. But the idea that babies only cry because the caretaker is not doing something right is absolute madness. Some posts out there were downright terrible. No wonder some new parents feel like failures--they have people out there telling them it is never acceptable for their child to be inconsolable.

I think there has to be a healthy understanding that there is a limit to what parents can do to soothe a baby. And once you have exhausted all those options, there is nothing wrong with putting the kid in his crib and taking a shower with some music on. It's all about maintaining your sanity at that point, and that is what is best for the baby.

Thanksgiving

Things I am thankful for:
-Health for me and my husband
- My husband
- Great family
- The blessed assurance of heaven

Getting Pretty...Organized

My husband and I are currently working through Financial Peace University, with Dave Ramsey. If you havent heard of him, he is an uncommon-sense financial advisor. And he kicks your butt a little bit. We are both getting a lot out of the course, and it has inspired me to organize our paperwork and our monthly bills.

Which brings up another issue. I hate our "landing strip" in our home. A "landing strip" is where you routinely drop all your keys, mail, sunglasses, spare change, etc as soon as you walk in the house at the end of the day. It is currently on our kitchen counter, and I hate that I am giving up precious kitchen space for junk mail.

There is a blank piece of wall directly across from our back door, just calling out for a dresser or a bookshelf... and I'm thinking this could be our new landing strip! Since it is right next to our living room and kinda in our dining room, (we have an open floor plan,) everything would have to be functional AND pretty. I have a dresser in storage that needs paint or refinishing. It would be perfect.

And now, to accessorize: I will need one of these wire baskets from thedarlinghouse on etsy for mail dumping.

And one of these platters from CB2 for change and keys.

Although, I shudder to think what Dave Ramsey would say if he heard I was planning on buying new stuff so I could get my bills organized, to save money. He would probably tell me to sell my car.

Floating Shelf

I think that I would like a shelf or two like this above my nightstand. They are cheap, functional and attractive. Come January, I am going to start a series called The Weekend Project, where I tackle a small project every week. I have a list a mile long of things to do!

Men and Chairs.... I Look For the Same Qualities

Our dining room chairs are a death-trap. We thought we might be hosting Thanksgiving this year, so a week or so ago I trotted on down to our local IKEA to buy some replacements. (As IKEA is the only thing in our budget at the moment.)

I couldn't bring myself to buy the chairs that I had picked out online. They just looked so.... cheap. I'll tell you what I want...(what I really, really want)... six of these:

Aren't they just lovely? I love things that are sturdy AND beautiful. (Hi honey!) These chairs look like they will be around for the next fifty years, too. Tolix has a great reputation. And, I love the fact that no matter what gets spilled on them, you can just wipe it right up. No harm, no foul.

Nevers and Always

These are so I can document how much I change if I ever become a parent:

- I dont want my kids to be spoiled. I want them to be happy with crayons and a new coloring book for Christmas when they are little.

- I dont want my kids to have 'stupid' toys. If it has a battery, lights and bright plastic, I dont want it in the house. I want my kids to play with books, puzzles, wood blocks and cloth dolls.

- My kids will not hit the dogs and get away with it. I hate it when parents let their children pull animals' tails and ears and play it off like it's cute. It's not cute. And I dont blame Fido for yelping and nipping at them.

- I will not let me kids bump into or push strangers without either me or the kid apologizing for their actions. Kids do not exist in a vacuum. Just because you think your kid is adorable while running through the grocery store/library/restaurant doesnt mean everyone else does.

- I will spank my kids if I think it is best for them. (Shocked, arent you? Im ok with that.)

- I am going to be a f-ing mother bear when it comes to my kids. If someone thinks they know better for my kids, or tries to undermine my or my husband's authority with them... so help me...my blood pressure rises just thinking about it.

- The kids do not rule the house. They do not rule the marriage. They dont. The best thing a man can do for his kids is to love their mother. The best thing a woman can do for her kids is to love their father. The marriage has to be able to last after the kids are out of the house.

- My kids will not have the luxury of being picky eaters. If they get hungry enough, they will eat. Im not talking about allergies, here. My parents never gave us the option of being picky, and it never occurred to us kids that we had the choice. If children are starving in Africa, my kid shouldnt be able to whine about not liking tuna casserole.

- On the same note... I get to pick out what my kids wear, to an extent. My Mom picked out my clothes until I was eight or so. And then, she didnt let me argue with her at the store. She picked it out, and I put it on. I have no problems with kids having CHOICES between outfits, but if they aren't buying it, they dont have much say in what those choices are, now do they?

- Furniture is not a trampoline or a punching bag. Get your freaking feet off the sofa.

Blessed Ignorance

So, I read blogs. Blogs about lots of things, including Mom blogs.

Here's the thing... (dont hate me for saying this out loud...) Can it really be THAT hard? (I can sense that the future me is going to want to kick present me's ass someday.)

I used to babysit all the time, and it wasnt that hard. You cook, clean, play with them, put them down for a nap and listen to them cry for awhile. I babysat babies, toddlers and kids for years. It wasnt that difficult. I dealt with poo, vomit, pee, blood, boogers, snot and bruises. I have gotten cat food out of a baby's mouth and been bitten in the process, dealt with an explosive diaper, (that kid got a bath), and built a fort out of couch pillows to keep a kid contained during their nap.

So, (again forgive me,) when I hear that a Mom cant find time to take a shower for two days, my initial reaction is to scoff a little bit. My initial reaction is to say... well, they must be doing it WRONG.

I am fully aware that this position is based on woeful ignorance of actually being a parent, but isnt parenting just very, very long-term babysitting, with way more responsibility and love? Is it just harder because you care more? To me, if you need to take a shower, you take a shower. You strap the kid in their bouncy chair and bring them into the bathroom with you. Or you plop the little booger in the crib. Fifteen minutes of irritation or boredom wont kill it.

That would work....right??

Things that Irritate Me...

I hate it when radio stations spend a lot of time talking about how many songs they play. On my local station, it sounds something like this:

"Hey, it's Marco in the morning! Our eighteen songs in a row is coming right up! Don't touch that dial!"
COMMERCIAL
"Hey, it's Marco! Eighteen in a row starts right now!"
SONG
"That was Black Eyed Peas! Number one in our eighteen songs in a row!"
SONG
"And there's Lady GaGa. Stay tuned for more of our eighteen songs in a row!"
SONG
"This is YTPLU, your eighteen songs in a row station!"
SONG
"Hey, it's Marco! That was Alicia Keys. We're in the middle of eighteen songs in a row!"
AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

I swear, they could be a TWENTY in a row station in the same amount of time if they would stop all the yapping.

Yes, Please....

What is the Point?

Sometimes, I really want an intercom system on my car. You know, one of those things that will broadcast your voice over a loudspeaker attached to the outside of your car?

The other day, this is what I would have broadcast on the freeway: "Excuse me? Mr. Porsche? What is the point of having that vehicle if you dont know how to drive it? I mean, come on. At least go the speed limit. Or have the courtesy to get out of the fast lane."

As I passed him on the right, I saw that it was some old dude driving. Wearing a leather jacket, no less. Um, mid-life crisis, anyone? That guy owning that car is the equivilant of those odd couples you see in Vegas, where the man is eighty-three and the chick is maybe twenty-five. Sure you got it, sir... but what the heck is the point if you can't DO anything with it?

Nasty People (at Starbucks) Part Three...

Im starting to think that God is trying to cure me of my morning coffee addiction. Either that, or I need to go find a new Starbucks.

There are some times that I have to mentally talk myself through not hitting someone because their proximity has activated my flight or fight response. I mean, I hate it when people refuse to stand behind you in line--they stand next to you instead. I want to turn to them and say, "No, we are not here together. Step BACK."

This morning, I was literally sneezed on. Yes, SNEEZED on. This chick was SO close to me it was nasty before the sneeze. She was clearing her throat and I swear I could hear the phlegm rattling in there. Then, she sneezed, ON ME and said, "Oh, bless me."

BLESS you? Girl, you are lucky I have the love of Jesus in my H-E-A-R-T.

Questions to Ask Before Having a Baby

Ah, yes. The madness continues unabated.

I read an article on TheBump.com about questions you should ask youself before having a baby. I thought I would answer them here, for your viewing amusement:

1. How many kids do we envision having?

I dont know about my husband, but I think that three would be just about perfect. I came from a family with three kids, and I like the dynamic. Two kids is too few, four kids might be too much. Five is WAY too many.

2. How old is too old to have a baby?

I want to have my first kid before I even turn 29. Holy crap, we need to get crackin'.

3. And how old is too old to have kids in the house?

Can I kick them out before they hit 13?

4. If we got pregnant next month, what would we think? Yay? Yikes??

How about "Yaykes"?

5. Are there things we desperately want to do or accomplish before becoming a trio?

I want to stay home with the babies until they are six months old at least. So, we need to be saving for that. And, I would at least like to be into nursing school when I get pregnant.

6. Who's the first person we'd tell?

I would want to tell my Mom and Dad first, after I passed the first trimester. Then, I would want to tell my sister, and my sister in law. Then, I would want to wait until after the second trimester, and tell everyone else. That way, people have waaaay less time to ask me about the goings on of my uterus. Living hours away from all family has it's benefits sometimes.

7. What lifestyle changes will we need to make when we become parents?

This is the one that I am concerned about. I like driving fast with my music loud and ordering pizza and not folding laundry and sleeping in. Ah, how I love sleep. I also like cussing at people while driving. It calms me down. What if I have to give all that up? What if I stop being me? I dont want to change so much that I dont recognize myself in the mirror.

8. Do daddies (or mommies) do diapers?

Since we are planning on using cloth diapers, I know that I will be the one doing the diaper laundry. But we will both change the diapers. This is only fair. I hate it when I hear stories of Dads waiting until the Mom gets home, so she can change the diaper. Some people think that is hilarious. I think that is selfish bullshit. What about that poor little bumkin who is sitting in his own poo for the extra half an hour? If it is that messy, stick him in the bath and rinse him off. Easy, peasy.

9. Who's going to take care of the kids?

Um, this question confuses me. Obviously, the parents will, right? I mean... is this question referring to daycare? If that is the case, I hope that my Mom moves up near me. If not, I will look into having one of my friends, (a very experienced mother) watch them once or twice a week.

10. What's our response when people ask about baby plans?

I tell them we aren't ready. I still might be saying that when I am eight months pregnant.

Little Changes for a Little One

So, I cant make all the changes neccessary for having a baby right now, but I can make some of them:

-I have switched us over to Charlie's Soap, a non-toxic, environmentally responsible soap that is safe for babies. I figure, by the time the kid gets here, everything in the house will have been washed at least once with the stuff.

- We are getting a gun safe of some kind in the near future. VERY important, since my husband is a hunter and gun enthusiast. Those suckers will be locked up so tight... We are already responsible gun owners, but there have not been any children under the age of 13 in our house, and that was just the one time. We need to start looking at the house from a different angle.

- We're pulling the big goalie, and switching to rubber ones. I have read that it can take up to a year to return to full fertility after removing an IUD, so I have my appointment in a couple of weeks.

- Getting the house/yard/body cleaned up. We have some SERIOUS work to do on this one. Our yard looks like no one has done anything with it in a year. (Oh, I suppose that's true. Full time work and school will do that, I guess.)

It's not much, but it is all I can control. That, and adding more folic acid to my diet.

Impatience and Planning and Control

Warning: This is a very disjointed post, and it is a tad depressing.

I have a problem with patience. I hardly have any. And I have a problem with not having a plan. For the last year, I have had focus. I have been getting all my pre-reqs done for nursing school. But now, the semester is closing, and all my pre-reqs will be done. So I have to just wait. And I dont like waiting. I like a plan, a list, and no unknowns.

I have no idea how this is all going to work out. If I get into nursing school for the fall, the decision will be easy. I will go through school and then have kids. But what if I dont get in for the fall? Or the next spring? How long will I wait to get into nursing school before having babies? I'm freaking out a bit. My birthday is around this time, and I will turn a number that ushers me into a new era, a bit. The OFFICIAL late twenties. And, according to some experts, the age when your fertility starts to decline.

I know that we "cant" afford to have kids right now. It is scary just to think about it. But according to some people, no one can really afford to have kids. And I want to stay home with ours, which makes it even more difficult. I dont think it is fair to dump all that reponsibility on my husband, either.

It is such a crappy balancing act. How long should we wait? What if, in three years, we can afford to have kids, but I'm now infertile? What if we have a baby and really can't afford it?

And most confusing of all, why does this suddenly matter to me? It's like I came around the corner of this year, saw this birthday looming, and now I want a baby. And I'm so not ready for a baby. I have a crapload of things to do before it's even possible. Finances, weight, getting the house ready, finishing a bunch of projects, figuring out a support system, my career, my husband's health, the yard, getting on the same page with my husband. So I guess the question is, how can I be ready when Im SO NOT ready??

I'm trying to fight these feelings off. I would rather not have these wants when there is nothing I can do about it. There are so many things out of my control. Frankly, Im a tad miserable right now. It is hard to keep working towards things that you have no control over.

I have no control whether I get into school this time around. It is a lottery system, pretty much. And I have no control over when or if my husband feels ready for kids. Getting our house refinanced would really help with the finances aspect, but I have no control over whether that will happen. I have no control over whether we meet some good people up here and make friends, (we've been trying for like four years.... it's like quadruple blind dating.) My one Christian friend is moving away in a month.

It is a frustrating feeling, this impotence. Like, nothing I want in my life matters. It doesn't matter that I want this or that. Why should I have to feel these feelings, when I can't do jack shit about it? Yes, I am having a pity party. But it's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Happy freaking birthday! Your eggs are dying!

Nasty People, Part Two

What is it with me and Starbucks? I meet the NICEST people there. (That was my sarcastic voice, in case you couldn't tell.) This morning, this couple was standing there chatting while an obviously new barista was making our coffees. (Is it still called a barista if it is male?) The man who was waiting started sighing deeply, and put his hand on his hip. "What is taking so long?" He says to his companion. "It never takes this long."

He then LEANS over the bar area in an attempt to see what the poor barista-guy is doing. The customer looks at me and says all huffy, "What is he DOING back there?" loud enough for everyone to hear. I looked the dood right back in the eye and said clearly, "He's working." I swear, the guy looked like he had just sucked on a lemon. His lips pursed up real tight and he turned his back to me.

In short, it was awesome. I walked out wishing I had been even more clear. I wish that I had said, "Oh, sir. The barista obviously isn't aware of how important your time is. He must not know who you are." I mean, seriously. Who is so freaking busy that they don't have the time to wait a minute longer for their latte? If you have the time to go to Starbucks, you have the time to WAIT at Starbucks. And the barista was obviously new. Have some freaking compassion, dude.

People really piss me off sometimes.

Things I Hope For My Children

1. I hope my kids aren't TOO attractive. Don't get me wrong... I don't want my kids to be hideous. But I certainly do not want them to be so pretty or handsome that they do not have to develop character, personality and a sense of humor. In my experience, super-gorgeous people usually grow up with a sense of entitlement and arrogance. No freaking thank-you.

2. If they are girls, I hope they get my hair texture. (No offense, honey.) But if they get my husband's hair texture, we are in for a LARGE hair products/straightening-iron bill every month.

3. I hope they are smart. Smart about people, money, politics, and their family.

4. I hope they aren't shy and timid and prim and delicate. I have interacted with those kind of babies/toddlers/kids and always found it highly distasteful. I once babysat a baby who didn't really cry, he just kinda whimpered. I was always like, "If you're going to cry, you might as well scream, dammit! Buck up!" I hope my kids throw themselves into life with wild abandon; scraped knees, grass stains and broken arms be damned.

5. More than any of these, I hope they grow up and love Jesus like crazy. I hope He is the center of their lives from an early age, all the way up until they pass away.

Things That Make My Blood Pressure Skyrocket

I work in a building that is zoned industrial. Right now, the people next door are making good use of that zoning by REPEATEDLY HITTING THE SIDE OF A METAL BOX TRUCK WITH A HAMMER FOR NO APPARENT REASON. It has been going on for I-shit-you-not at least 15 minutes.

This has an extraordinary effect on my blood pressure. After about 2 minutes of this madness, I opened the door with a super-glarey look on my face, and it was all I could do to not scream, "What the FUCK are you DOING?!?" at them. They obviously did not see my glares, and since the noise was a lot louder with the door open, I went and sat back down at my desk... fuming. I put on some Chopin and turned it up, and that really, really helped.

Maybe this is good practice for when there is a squalling baby in the house?

Nasty People, Part One in an Infinite Series...

So, I was standing in line at Starchuckles this morning, and a white-trashish dood and his wife were in front of me, with their two children. While his wife was ordering, the dood steps behind her, grabs her hips, and proceeds to rub his crotch in a back-and-forth then up-and-down motion on her posterior. This was neither subtle, nor sexy. It was kinda like he had an itch, and thought he would be best served to scratch it on her ass. She turned and they smiled at each other, and I threw up a little in my mouth.

As I was leaving the store, I thanked God again for whom I am married to.

Ladies That Sew

I am thinking of starting a girls' sewing night. I have no idea who would come to it. I only know two friends that sew, but I figure they might know other ladies that sew, too. It would be kinda like an open house for girls who want to get together, mingle and wow each other with their mad bobbin skills. With snacks, sans kids. Fun, right?

Oh, What a Weekend It Will Be...

I have three, count them, THREE exams in the next five days. One on Saturday morning, that I am so not looking forward to, one on Monday, and yet another on Tuesday. Looks like my husband and I will not be eating home-cooked meals this weekend after all. Sorry, honey.

'N' is For Nursery....

Since we're here, let's rummage a little deeper into the crazy trunk, shall we? Below is the nursery I have been thinking of in my head for the past few weeks. Is it just me, or does it kind of look like a circus threw up in there? Don't matter. I still love it.

Sources:
- Crib, Rugs, Rocking Moose, Table and Chairs: IKEA
- Light Fixture: Anthropologie
- Book Rack, Hippo and Giraffe: Pottery Barn Kids
- Blue Tub: Land of Nod
- Sheets and Blanket: Target
- Flag Bunting: Sweet and Light on Etsy

Ridiculous Cuteness

These.

I'm not wrong.

A Millionaire Birthday...

If money were no object, this is what I would ask for on my birthday:

Yes, please.

Cloth Diapering Doesn't Have to be Scary

Ok, so I have been doing a lot of research about cloth diapering lately. One of the best resources I have found is from SimpleMom.net. There are waaaay bigger experts out there than me, but I would like to share what I have learned.

Pros of Cloth Diapering:
1. Cost- a child may wear in excess of 8,000 diapers by the time he or she is potty-trained. At an average of $0.20 a diaper, that equals to about $1,600 in diapers alone. Add in disposable wipes, increased purchases of anti-rash items, a diaper genie, diaper genie inserts, and (for us) increased dump fees, and it can get expensive really quickly.

I estimate that for a complete set of diapers for one child, I will need about 20 diapers. If I buy all organic, the total is $500. With organic cloth wipes, and a spray attachment for the toilet, I estimate the total cost to be about $600. Total, finito, out-the-door. And the kicker is... they are reusable. You can use them for every child you have. So, if we had 3 biscuits in disposables, the cost would be about $6,000 in poo-collectors and poo-collector accessories. If we have 3 biscuits with cloth diapers, the cost is still $600.

2. Quality of Life Issues- on average, a child in cloth diapers potty-trains much, much sooner than one in disposables. The theory behind that is that in cloth diapers, a child feels wet and uncomfy in a dirty diaper. In a disposable, all that wet feeling is whisked away by magic chemicals, and the child does not learn to associate going potty with feeling wet. Cloth-diaper kids potty train at about 18 months, whereas a disposable diaper kid potty-trains at about 40 months. So, a difference of 22 months per kid, times 3, equals 66 months or 5 and a half less years of changing diapers. I want my kids to be responsible for what they "make" as soon as possible.

Another issue that would fall under this heading is that my husband and I do not have curb-side trash pickup. (Yes, shocking for city people, I know.) Right now, my husband and I average maybe one dump run per month. Add in ten-twelve diaper changes a day, and that dump run would probably be bi-monthly, at least. Also, all those diapers would just SIT there, on our property, until we took them away. Summer heat wave, anyone?

3. Health reasons- Now, I am not a health professional as of yet, and even when I am, I will not have expertise on this issue. But just in my head, it seems like a bad idea to strap my kid's ass into a bag of chemicals 24-7. This is especially unattractive to me since they have found another fun use for the chemicals in diapers: fire retardant. I just don't feel comfortable with the fact that if the house burned down, the only things that would survive would be the items I place closest to my kid's most sensitive areas.

Supposed Cons:
1. Too much water use- I am sure that our water use will increase substantially when we have kids. This is a given. But I also think that it is slightly silly to say that the water you use to wash the diapers, between the toilet sprayer and the washer, is more than that which is used to make the disposable diapers. That would actually be an awesome study... (calling all researchers!)

Hypothetically, even if the total water usage does increase when using cloth diapers, you WILL NOT convince me that using disposables is better for the environment overall. Let's take stock, shall we? Plastics, chemicals, etc pulled from the environment and synthesized, fossil fuels used to transport raw materials, then manufactured into a product using machinery and producing pollution, more fossil fuels to transport, fossil fuels to pick up, fossil fuels to take to dump, where it sits in a landfill for up to 500 years.

Yes, I imagine that the manufacturing of cloth diapers is similar, in some ways. But there are far less chemicals, especially if you buy organic. And poo belongs in septic tanks and sewers, not in landfills. Which brings me to my next "con":

2. Dealing with poo is worse in a cloth diaper- Poo is nas-tay in any diaper. You have to wipe the poo off the bum no matter which kind of diaper you go with. And then, you have to dispose of the diaper and the poo somehow. So, with a disposable, you have to wrap it all up and stick it in a diaper genie. I get how that is attractive. With a cloth diaper, you have to rinse it off with a toilet sprayer, flush the poo, and then throw the diaper in a "wet bag" or pail of some kind. Then wash, dry, re-use.

3. Cloth diapers are difficult to put on: They don't have to be. Check these bad boys out: If you can use a regular diaper, you can use these.

I am excited to bake a biscuit someday, and I want to make sure I do everything possible to have them grow up happy and healthy. I think cloth diapers will be a part of that. Ofcourse, cloth diapering would be much more glamorous with a set of these:

THE Stroller...

Meet Bob. Bob is light. Bob is simple. Bob is functional. Bob is the bomb. Bob is a tad expensive, but I want him anyways. Why am I talking about a stroller? Well, in her post, "How to Infect Your Husband," Jill from BabyRabies.com says that the best way to get your husband excited about child-bearing is to show him the neat-o gadgets that he will get to play with when the kid arrives. Kinda like how women get excited when they look at all the little shoes and hats and shit they hope to stuff their offspring into.

Without further ado, heeeeeere's Bobby:

Not only is this stroller spiffy-looking, but it is an all-in-one model. (Read: You only need the ONE stroller, people!) It has an adaptor bar that allows you to use this stroller with or without a baby seat. It has a swiveling front wheel that can also be locked in place for walking, jogging or hiking. The hefty rubber wheels allow you to navigate a woodsy trail, a sandy beach or in our case, the driveway. Yet, the wheels are small enough to not be cumbersome in the grocery store.

It has an optional cupholder, rain-guard, (no, A, you may NOT take the biscuit deer hunting,) and fleece insert.

In a word: bitchin'.

Eh, Yeah. So I Lied.

Well, apparently the baby-mania hasn't subsided... I'm just not panicked about the idea anymore. I guess that is why it felt so weird and crazy before... I had never wanted kids before. But maybe this is how all "normal" women feel all the time? Who knows? I've never claimed to be normal or understand normal people in the slightest.

As of today, I have a complete baby registry, (NOT under my real name, mind you) on wishpot.com. I am fully aware that is crazy, and I simply don't care. So nyah.

Before Thanksgiving...

If you cannot tell by now, I have a penchant for lists. I like them. They are nifty. They help me think that I am somewhat organized, even if I never check anything off.

To-Do before Thanksgiving:

1. Buy new dining chairs, so that Thanksgiving is not a tragic, tragic event.
2. CHOOSE and install a new pendant light in the dining room.
3. Caulk kitchen trim.
4. Paint kitchen trim.
5. Clean off the patio.
6. Sew fabric onto my dining room curtains, and make them longer.
7. Get the big mirror from Jamie and make it a big chalkboard.

Signs and Symptoms of Baby Mania:

1. You have to talk yourself out of stopping at any and every major retailer just to oogle baby accessories.

2. You mentally crawl around your house at eye level to see where the dangers are.

3. You overanalyze your husband's expression during any show or commercial where there is a baby present.

4. You start having nightmares about dropping random babies, or falling down a flight of stairs while holding one.

Finally Recovered...

I am pleased to announce that I have finally recovered from eating the lentil soup, (the recipe for which I posted last week.) I have since been calling it, "the lentil soup from Hades," or "the soup of death." My husband has been calling it yummy, and has been eating large helpings with gusto.

I, however, think that the soup hates me, and the feeling is mutual.

Getting Shiznat in Order:

A list of things to do before having children:

1. Have the lids of the septic tank lowered below ground level, so our children do not die a shitty death. (Literally.)
2. Have the sprinkler system installed/fixed.
3. Grow a lawn.
4. Get the siding fixed.
5. Caulk and paint all remaining interior trim.
6. Tile a backsplash in the master bedroom.
7. Figure out a backsplash in the kitchen.
8. Seal the granite.
9. Extend the fence around to the front of the house, so the doogies can have access to both doors, (and the future nursery's window.)
10. Clean out the garage.
11. Buy a pistol. (For me, not the baby.)
12. Install a dining room light.
13. Buy a gun safe of some kind.
14. Get a 'real' job.
15. Have 3-6 months expenses in the bank.
16. Wait for someone else in my family to have one.

NaNoWriMo...Again.

I'm a self-proclaimed NaNoWriMo loser. What is NaNoWriMo, you ask? Well, it is the organization that promotes and celebrates National Novel Writing Month. It is a challenge to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. Madness and fun!

I have participated for three years, and have not written a novel yet. I am thinking that this just might be my year. After all, how hard could it be? I am fully prepared to write unmitigated crap. But it will be 50,000 words of my unmitigated crap, you see. And that is worth shooting for.

Aack! Christmas is Coming!

I just realized that I finish school about a week and a half before Christmas. There is no way I can do my Christmas shopping in a week and a half. Also, has anyone else realized how out of control expensive this holiday has been getting lately? I used to love Christmas shopping, back when I had only my immediate family to shop for. Four people, plus some friends.... that was fun. Then, I got married, and added TWELVE adults, ELEVEN children, and THREE family gifts to the list. WHAM! In this total group, there are also SIX birthdays from October to December. (Oh, and did I mention that my husband doesnt like to shop?)

Is there any polite way to tell people, "We aren't buying you a gift this year, because we only see you on this one holiday, and we have no clue what to get you and it is too expensive even if we did?" Seriously.... how is this fun for anyone?

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me...

I am pleased to announce that I am no longer feeling manic about babies. I have realized that, although I want kids someday, I am so not ready for them at the moment. I am ready for my husband and I to start making our lives ready for them in the future, but I'm not going off the birth-control anytime soon.

However, since I spent the last month browsing baby websites, Google thinks that I constantly want to see ads in my margins from stores that sell baby-accessories. And for some reason, YouTube is suggesting breast-feeding videos to me. Not to mention, Amazon's customized offerings for me now include a $500 stroller. (Which, I am TOTALLY getting someday! It's a three-in-one model. One stroller from birth to walking= awesome.) I guess that I have brought this on myself, but it is a little disconcerting to know that the marketing powers that be are watching me so closely.

These Are My Confessions....

(Cue the Usher music.)

Today, I did a lot of productive things. I filed, organized, typed away... However, I also cruised LandofNod, PotteryBarnKids and Target, thinking about what I would choose if I had a biscuit in the oven. My sister-in-law will have a wee croissant, my sister will probably bake a tartlet.... I, however, think that the term 'biscuit' more appropriately describes what my husband and I would make. It's a sturdier term, implying stocky limbs, flannel and firearms. Yes, our child would most definitely be a biscuit.

Since it would be absolutely scandalous and more than a tad crazy to start a registry before conception, I am just going to post a few of my future must-haves here:

The All Creatures Great and Small Crib Quilt, from Land of Nod:

Holy cuteness, batman. Look at the little faces! I love this bedding for several reasons: one, it is gender-nuetral. Since I don't want to find out what gender the biscuit is until it is born, (which may be three years from now,) gender-neutrality is key. Also, I want to reuse the bedding for other kids we may have. Second, the title of the bedding is one of my favorite hymns, which is randomly cool. Thirdly, check it out! There are TWO, count them TWO dogs on this bedding. Now, some people may point out that there appear to be two cats on this bedding as well. But no. No, those people are wrong. You can plainly see that only ONE is a housecat. The other one is clearly a cougar or a lioness or an albino panther of some kind. Dont rain on my parade.

Flat-panel baby monitor, from Land of Nod:

This next item feeds my paranoid, over-protective side. But isn't it just bitchin'? I mean, not only can you see if your kid is sleeping versus choking, but you can use it later on to spy on them. I can see it now:

"But Mom, how did you know I was writing on the wall with my pee?"

"Mommy knows. Mommy always knows."

(I hope it goes without saying that in the above scenario, the biscuit is a boy.)

Plush hippo and giraffe from PotteryBarnKids:

Don't say they aren't cute, because then we will all know what a big, terrible liar you really are.

Enough with the madness. I have shiznat to do.

Attention Coworkers!

Please stop bringing cute babies into the office. I'm trying to pray it out and be objective, but it does not help when you tote your freaking cute niece/nephew/son into the building for me to oogle. On the same note, please feel free to bring in your screaming children. That does help.

Thank you.

The 'Yo' Game

A long time ago, my sister and I noticed how some sentences would be made hilarious or terrible with the word 'yo' at the end. We sometimes play this game when we are together, which probably makes our sister-in-law think we are nuts. Without further ado, here are some sentences that should never end in 'yo':

5. Would you like some more tea, yo?
4. Sorry to hear about your grandpa, yo.
3. It should clear up in four to six weeks, yo.
2. I have a Master's in Business, yo.
1. I'm sorry to tell you that your cancer is malignant, yo.

My Tips on Picking a Good Man

Today, my favorite person is checking the brakes on my car, airing my tires, and picking up toilet paper and dog food, because we are out of both. He's neat like that.

I do not credit myself with the fact that my husband fell in love with me, it was totally a God-thing. That being said, here are my questions to ask when picking a husband. This is not a comprehensive list by any means, just the 'biggies' in my book.

1. If you are a Christian, or play one on TV: Does he love God? If he doesn't, he's out. And notice the question was not: does he go to church? There are lots of non-Jesus-lovers in church. But does he LOVE God? Your dude should love Jesus more than he loves you, and chat with Him daily. You should be able to see this guy leading a Godly house, which includes encouraging you to spend more time with God, and pointing you and any offspring in the right direction repeatedly, in love. Spouses are supposed to help each other be stronger in their faith.

2. Does he take responsibility for his mistakes, and apologize? If your guy can't ever admit he was wrong, stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect a diamond ring. If he is always blaming his boss, the government, his family or you as the root of his dumb or rude actions, that is a bad thing. His boss being an a-hole is not an excuse for him to act like one. Is he willing to apologize when he does something stupid in your relationship? Or does he point out all the stupid things you do, as an excuse? There is nothing more disgusting than a grown man (or woman, for that matter) who is unable to take responsibility for their own actions.

3. Does he love you more than he loves himself? My mom always said a marriage was good when both people in it think that they are the one that got the better deal. Does he cherish you? Does he like being with you? Does he think your inability to cook is cute, your tone-deafness is endearing? Does he let you be you and love it? Are you comfortable being you around this person? This comfortable is not the, "leave the door open when you pee" comfortable. I'm talking about being you, in all your wacky glory.

4. Does he have his crap together? Job, credit score, personal hygiene, lack of addictions, mature relationships with other family members, a strong sense of self, other interests, independence, honesty, generosity, chivalry, sense of humor?

This is by no means the end of the list. Your spouse is the only family you get to choose. Be careful, and pray, pray, pray about it.

Time Keeps on Slipping...

If you have children, you can mark time easily and on a regular basis with their milestones. First steps, first birthday, first tooth. (I very well may have that out of order; I have no idea.) But if you are a late twenty-something with no children, how do you mark time? With career? With relationships? There is no concrete definition. And that always begs the question: what have you been DOING these past (insert number here) years? If you have a kid, there is proof: you made something. But for a person with no kids? It's almost like you have to justify your existence when someone asks: "What have you been up to?"

So, let's start with career. Hardy, har, har. I have no career, as of yet. I am a glorified secretary, and can state with confidence that even though my job required a Bachelor's degree, I could have done this job in high school. Actually, I am pretty sure this WAS my job in high school. Answering phones? Filing? Transcription? Dealing with crazy people? Yup, yup, yup.

My degree? Yes, I love English. I think grammar is neat. But a money-maker it is not. I am currently in the throes of completing pre-reqs for a degree that might make me a little more moolah and offer a better schedule: Nursing. Oh, and before all of you rabid crazies out there verbally flagellate me for even mentioning income and the Nursing profession in the same breath: "Nursing is a calling, yada, yada, yada..." Save it. If I were injured, I would rather be treated by a Nurse who was competent and great at her job and who forgot about me the second she walked out the door than by a "called" Nurse who was shitty at her job. The point is, it looks like I will have to wait about two years before I am finished with school. Again.

Moving on: Relationships. My husband is super, and we've been married for over five years, which incidentally is the amount of time it takes for people to stop asking you when you are going to have kids, because they assume you must be barren.

House? Own one. Like it a lot. Still haven't painted the baseboards.

Personality: Well, apparently I am massively self-centered, because I am writing a blog that no one will ever read, and it is all about me. I am also snarky, sarcastic, sensitive and like a bull in a china shop when it comes to saying the wrong things.

God: Have One. Love Him. Cant wait to figure out what He wants me to do with my life; cant wait to meet Him in person someday. (Hopefully the former happens first.)

To Breed or Not to Breed

Deciding on whether or not to have a child is difficult for my husband and I. For some people, it is an easy decision. These are the types of people who react to babies the way I react to dogs: "Oh, he's so cute! Look at his wittle face; I could just eat it up! I think he smiled at me. He did! He did! He TOTALLY smiled at me!"

I have never wanted children. I babysat from the age of eleven to seventeen. This gave me two things: enough money to pay for the first year of college, and a great interest in effective birth control methods. To me, having kids didn't make sense. Why on earth would someone ruin their body and be freaking miserable for nine months to pop out a squalling, demanding, expensive, freedom-killing, crap-tastic being that you cant even begin to train for a good twelve months?

However, I have been hearing the tickings of a very disturbing clock lately. As soon as these curious longings developed, I did what any sane woman would do: tried to scare the crap out of myself by reading labor and delivery horror stories. This worked for awhile, but I still was feeling...weird. In an attempt to test my feelings, my best friend and I drove on down to Babies R Expensive and wandered the aisles. Now, that place is SCARY. It is full of waddling pregnant women and men with glazed looks on their faces. When I came out of there still thinking about it, I knew something was seriously wrong.

I told my husband that I was going crazy and begged him to help me. He told me that we can't have a kid right now, which simultaneously relieved me and pissed me off.

What's the verdict? We are going to pray about it for six months and see where we are then. I don't know which side of me to root for: the very sensible "You can't go to Greece with a crap-machine" side, or the newly awakened "Look at the BAY-BEE" side. I will keep you posted.

Like You Care....

One of my goals for this next year is to lose weight in a healthy manner. (Me and everyone else, I know.) I have done the South Beach Diet in the past, and it worked really well for me. I not only lost weight, but I felt so GOOD. Almost annoyingly good. Like cheerful and perky and shit. I will be on phase one of the South Beach Diet for the first couple weeks. Here I go:

My menu for the week:

Tuesday: Sausage Lentil Soup, adapted from this recipe on AllRecipes
Wednesday: Tuscan Baked Eggs, from Kalyn's Kitchen
Thursday: Slow Cooker Tri-tip, my own recipe
Friday: Out to Dinner, (Chipotle chicken burrito bowl, no rice.)
Saturday Dinner: Tri-tip salad
Sunday Lunch: Taco salad
Sunday Dinner: Split pea soup, my own recipe

Every meal except the salads will be served with large amounts of steamed veggies, cause that's how I roll.

My Very First...

I do not expect anyone to read this blog, ever. However, if you have stumbled here on accident, welcome! I hope you are amused by something I write. I will be posting about things that are happening in my life. I am in my late-ish twenties, and have a lot on my mind... enjoy!