Questions and Comments for My Chemistry Classmates

To the girl in the front row who wears acid-washed capri pants with her socks pulled way up high underneath:

It seems that you do not feel the need to raise your hand before you blurt out a question. Why is that? It is a bit startling to the rest of us when you yell out random observations or questions while the teacher is mid-sentence. Knock that shit off, will you?

To the forty-something who has more Disney sweatshirts than is even reasonable:

Since A) this is a community college, and B) you are a student in this class, I can assume that you do not have more education than our professor, who has a doctorate twice over. Therefore, please stop challenging what she says on an almost a daily basis. She has been teaching for many years, and does not need your help.

To the slightly-smelly female in the side row:

Humming mid-lecture is never acceptable.

To the blonde guy:

Please understand that your classmates might be a little confused when you tell them you went to medical school and are just taking this as a refresher course. You look nineteen, which is way too old for tall tales.

To my lab partner:

I really like you. Really. You are kind and organized in the lab. However, we are not nearly close enough for me to point out that your nipples are out of control. Seriously. Buy a padded bra. Nippage is always distracting, but yours are often pointing in different directions or not in agreement about the temperature of the room. And the size.... it looks like you are smuggling two small stacks of dimes. If we were closer I would break it gently to you over daiquiris.