Monday, November 16, 2009

Impatience and Planning and Control

Warning: This is a very disjointed post, and it is a tad depressing.

I have a problem with patience. I hardly have any. And I have a problem with not having a plan. For the last year, I have had focus. I have been getting all my pre-reqs done for nursing school. But now, the semester is closing, and all my pre-reqs will be done. So I have to just wait. And I dont like waiting. I like a plan, a list, and no unknowns.

I have no idea how this is all going to work out. If I get into nursing school for the fall, the decision will be easy. I will go through school and then have kids. But what if I dont get in for the fall? Or the next spring? How long will I wait to get into nursing school before having babies? I'm freaking out a bit. My birthday is around this time, and I will turn a number that ushers me into a new era, a bit. The OFFICIAL late twenties. And, according to some experts, the age when your fertility starts to decline.

I know that we "cant" afford to have kids right now. It is scary just to think about it. But according to some people, no one can really afford to have kids. And I want to stay home with ours, which makes it even more difficult. I dont think it is fair to dump all that reponsibility on my husband, either.

It is such a crappy balancing act. How long should we wait? What if, in three years, we can afford to have kids, but I'm now infertile? What if we have a baby and really can't afford it?

And most confusing of all, why does this suddenly matter to me? It's like I came around the corner of this year, saw this birthday looming, and now I want a baby. And I'm so not ready for a baby. I have a crapload of things to do before it's even possible. Finances, weight, getting the house ready, finishing a bunch of projects, figuring out a support system, my career, my husband's health, the yard, getting on the same page with my husband. So I guess the question is, how can I be ready when Im SO NOT ready??

I'm trying to fight these feelings off. I would rather not have these wants when there is nothing I can do about it. There are so many things out of my control. Frankly, Im a tad miserable right now. It is hard to keep working towards things that you have no control over.

I have no control whether I get into school this time around. It is a lottery system, pretty much. And I have no control over when or if my husband feels ready for kids. Getting our house refinanced would really help with the finances aspect, but I have no control over whether that will happen. I have no control over whether we meet some good people up here and make friends, (we've been trying for like four years.... it's like quadruple blind dating.) My one Christian friend is moving away in a month.

It is a frustrating feeling, this impotence. Like, nothing I want in my life matters. It doesn't matter that I want this or that. Why should I have to feel these feelings, when I can't do jack shit about it? Yes, I am having a pity party. But it's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Happy freaking birthday! Your eggs are dying!

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