Saturday, July 21, 2012

The Unknown

The worst part of this is the not knowing. If God told me, "You will be a mother within two years," it wouldn't be so difficult. But it is the thought that this may never happen that is the most painful. That I might be getting hopeful and excited for nothing. It is painful, and difficult to have peace about.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Two Week Wait

The "two-week wait" is the most excruciating time in human existence, I think. If you test too early, you get a negative test, but you know that it might be too early for an accurate result, so you still hope.

Then, as the days go by, and you are closer and closer to the day that your period is supposed to start, you keep testing negative, and start googling things like, "Anyone have a bfn on 14 dpo that turned into a bfp?" (If you don't know what that means, you haven't been reading community boards on trying to conceive.)

It is even more difficult if your period is a few days late. You start to feel crazy and manic. You are petrified that your period is coming. You go to the bathroom to wipe and check even when you don't have to pee. You google for reassurance, for hope. You cling to words on community boards that say, "You aren't out until AF shows up."

You get your hopes up. 

And then it ends. 
And you cry.
And you get angry that your period was late at all.
It feels like a cruel joke.
Of course you aren't pregnant. 
Of course. 
How could you ever think you were?
You beat yourself up, and call yourself an idiot for hoping.
Then you pick yourself up and say, "maybe next month."

But in the back of your mind is the wondering of how long this will take. How many months can you do this? What if it never happens at all?

One more week until I can take a test. Period is due on the 28th.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Clearblue Fertility Monitor, 1st Month

Some people may consider it jumping the gun, but after last month was not successful, I decided to buy the Clearblue Fertility Monitor. It is a small, handheld device that tracks your cycles, and helps identify the days of the month when you are the most fertile. 

I bought the CBFM because I am afraid that I am not ovulating. But the first month, I got four high readings, starting at day 7, and a peak on day 11 and 12, followed by another high on day 13, and back to low on 14. 

This is a textbook, flawless that many people do not get the first month using the CBFM. The first month, most women get a string of highs, with no peak. This is because the monitor is learning about their body, and may not recognize their ovulation peak.

I was very excited to see that peak reading on day 11! But it does seem too good to be true that this will be the month, on the second month. 

I have been careful to take a prenatal vitamin almost every day so far this month. And I have been feeling some niggling pains. But other than that, I have been feeling irritated, because I have my hopes up, and am pretty sure they will be dashed again. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Cycle 2, 6 or 7 dpo- warning, tmi

Some sharp stabbing pains on my center right side. Creamy CM in underwear. I do not believe this is a pregnancy symptom, but I have had a couple mosquito bites that will not quit itching. (See? When you are TTC, EVERYTHING seems like it could be a symptom. But probably not. I'm feeling more hopeful about this cycle than I was about last month, though.

When will I learn?

My Pregnant Sister-in-Law

I got my period on July 1st, five days late. Three days later, my brother woke me up by calling to tell me that my sister-in-law is pregnant again, and due in January. This will be their second child. She is two years younger than I am.

I believe that my exact words to my husband when I got off the phone were, "Fuck me," to which my husband sleepily and kindly replied, "Stop it."

It is hard not to compare myself and my situation to others. I have to remember that other people's happiness or unhappiness does not affect mine. 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My Pregnant Friend

Last fall, my friend and I did a half-marathon together. Well, she ran it, and finished with an excellent time. I quit on mile 6 because I was so out of shape, a situation that I have since remedied.

My friend and I would go out to dinner and talk about how much we wanted children, and how we felt insecure about ever having them. We would talk to each other about extended family members who were pregnant, and how we felt a bit like failures since we had not produced grand-kids.

She is pregnant now,  and due in August. While I am very happy for her, I can't help but feel a little like I did on that day we did the marathon-- like a loser; like something is wrong with me; like I am getting left behind.

Now, rationally, I know that this is not a race or a competition. We are just in different places in our lives. But when you want something so badly, and you have no guarantee of ever having it.... it can make you have irrational feelings.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Cycle 2, 4 DPO Symptoms

So today, on the middle right of my uterus, I feel shooting pains in the same spot. It feels like possible implantation.

But I am cranky, and not very hopeful. I know that 4 DPO is probably too soon to feel implantation.

Still Here

I still want change. We are officially trying for kids. This is month two. 

I want to record my craziness for posterity. Ok, so I am convinced that I am barren. I have looked up the symptoms to all the things that could be wrong with me...PCOS, endometriosis, not ovulating, etc. 

I don't think that God is going to say yes to me. I just cannot envision it... I want to be a mom so badly, but I don't think it will ever happen. I feel like I am feeling the worst two emotions possible. My hopes are up, but I believe I will be disappointed. I want to be a Mom, but don't think that will ever happen for me. I am afraid that this is going to be the start of another lesson that is hard, and that I don't quite understand. 

I feel like I should be excited. After all, trying for a baby is a romantic thing, and it is exciting to think that we could be starting our family soon. I want to change diapers, and bounce a baby, and smooch boo-boo's, and rub an upset tummy, and do laundry, and teach a kid about Jesus. But I don't see it happening.

I bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. This was our first month of using it, and I was surprised to see that I got a high reading on days 7,8,9, and 10, and two peak readings on days 11 and 12, then one more high, and back to low. We made good use of the time, (side-eye) and now I am just waiting. 

I am feeling twinges in my ute, but I'm pretty sure that I feel that during the month all the time. I am trying to remain calm and not stress about waiting to test or get my period. Last month, I started testing at 8 dpo, and got negatives alllllll the way until I had completely missed my period. And then, I got my period. 

Poop to that, I say!

Look. I know that I should just relax, and trust God and his timing. But it is difficult to do. I feel like he has been saying no to me to try and teach me a lesson, and I don't think that I have learned anything. I still have a hard time giving up control. I struggle with that. I don't feel like I know how to give up control, at least not completely. 

I know God loves me. I know that he knows what is best for me. I know that he is nothing but loving towards me. I know that his will is best. 

I have been praying that he will make me want his will-- that he will change my will into his will. But I am very afraid that this is another painful lesson, where he will say no until I give up on it altogether.