Monday, July 16, 2012

Still Here

I still want change. We are officially trying for kids. This is month two. 

I want to record my craziness for posterity. Ok, so I am convinced that I am barren. I have looked up the symptoms to all the things that could be wrong with me...PCOS, endometriosis, not ovulating, etc. 

I don't think that God is going to say yes to me. I just cannot envision it... I want to be a mom so badly, but I don't think it will ever happen. I feel like I am feeling the worst two emotions possible. My hopes are up, but I believe I will be disappointed. I want to be a Mom, but don't think that will ever happen for me. I am afraid that this is going to be the start of another lesson that is hard, and that I don't quite understand. 

I feel like I should be excited. After all, trying for a baby is a romantic thing, and it is exciting to think that we could be starting our family soon. I want to change diapers, and bounce a baby, and smooch boo-boo's, and rub an upset tummy, and do laundry, and teach a kid about Jesus. But I don't see it happening.

I bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. This was our first month of using it, and I was surprised to see that I got a high reading on days 7,8,9, and 10, and two peak readings on days 11 and 12, then one more high, and back to low. We made good use of the time, (side-eye) and now I am just waiting. 

I am feeling twinges in my ute, but I'm pretty sure that I feel that during the month all the time. I am trying to remain calm and not stress about waiting to test or get my period. Last month, I started testing at 8 dpo, and got negatives alllllll the way until I had completely missed my period. And then, I got my period. 

Poop to that, I say!

Look. I know that I should just relax, and trust God and his timing. But it is difficult to do. I feel like he has been saying no to me to try and teach me a lesson, and I don't think that I have learned anything. I still have a hard time giving up control. I struggle with that. I don't feel like I know how to give up control, at least not completely. 

I know God loves me. I know that he knows what is best for me. I know that he is nothing but loving towards me. I know that his will is best. 

I have been praying that he will make me want his will-- that he will change my will into his will. But I am very afraid that this is another painful lesson, where he will say no until I give up on it altogether.

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