Cycle 2, 6 or 7 dpo- warning, tmi

Some sharp stabbing pains on my center right side. Creamy CM in underwear. I do not believe this is a pregnancy symptom, but I have had a couple mosquito bites that will not quit itching. (See? When you are TTC, EVERYTHING seems like it could be a symptom. But probably not. I'm feeling more hopeful about this cycle than I was about last month, though.

When will I learn?

My Pregnant Sister-in-Law

I got my period on July 1st, five days late. Three days later, my brother woke me up by calling to tell me that my sister-in-law is pregnant again, and due in January. This will be their second child. She is two years younger than I am.

I believe that my exact words to my husband when I got off the phone were, "Fuck me," to which my husband sleepily and kindly replied, "Stop it."

It is hard not to compare myself and my situation to others. I have to remember that other people's happiness or unhappiness does not affect mine. 

My Pregnant Friend

Last fall, my friend and I did a half-marathon together. Well, she ran it, and finished with an excellent time. I quit on mile 6 because I was so out of shape, a situation that I have since remedied.

My friend and I would go out to dinner and talk about how much we wanted children, and how we felt insecure about ever having them. We would talk to each other about extended family members who were pregnant, and how we felt a bit like failures since we had not produced grand-kids.

She is pregnant now,  and due in August. While I am very happy for her, I can't help but feel a little like I did on that day we did the marathon-- like a loser; like something is wrong with me; like I am getting left behind.

Now, rationally, I know that this is not a race or a competition. We are just in different places in our lives. But when you want something so badly, and you have no guarantee of ever having it.... it can make you have irrational feelings.

Cycle 2, 4 DPO Symptoms

So today, on the middle right of my uterus, I feel shooting pains in the same spot. It feels like possible implantation.

But I am cranky, and not very hopeful. I know that 4 DPO is probably too soon to feel implantation.

Still Here

I still want change. We are officially trying for kids. This is month two. 

I want to record my craziness for posterity. Ok, so I am convinced that I am barren. I have looked up the symptoms to all the things that could be wrong with me...PCOS, endometriosis, not ovulating, etc. 

I don't think that God is going to say yes to me. I just cannot envision it... I want to be a mom so badly, but I don't think it will ever happen. I feel like I am feeling the worst two emotions possible. My hopes are up, but I believe I will be disappointed. I want to be a Mom, but don't think that will ever happen for me. I am afraid that this is going to be the start of another lesson that is hard, and that I don't quite understand. 

I feel like I should be excited. After all, trying for a baby is a romantic thing, and it is exciting to think that we could be starting our family soon. I want to change diapers, and bounce a baby, and smooch boo-boo's, and rub an upset tummy, and do laundry, and teach a kid about Jesus. But I don't see it happening.

I bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. This was our first month of using it, and I was surprised to see that I got a high reading on days 7,8,9, and 10, and two peak readings on days 11 and 12, then one more high, and back to low. We made good use of the time, (side-eye) and now I am just waiting. 

I am feeling twinges in my ute, but I'm pretty sure that I feel that during the month all the time. I am trying to remain calm and not stress about waiting to test or get my period. Last month, I started testing at 8 dpo, and got negatives alllllll the way until I had completely missed my period. And then, I got my period. 

Poop to that, I say!

Look. I know that I should just relax, and trust God and his timing. But it is difficult to do. I feel like he has been saying no to me to try and teach me a lesson, and I don't think that I have learned anything. I still have a hard time giving up control. I struggle with that. I don't feel like I know how to give up control, at least not completely. 

I know God loves me. I know that he knows what is best for me. I know that he is nothing but loving towards me. I know that his will is best. 

I have been praying that he will make me want his will-- that he will change my will into his will. But I am very afraid that this is another painful lesson, where he will say no until I give up on it altogether.

Get Out Now

I don't think men can really understand the phrase, "her clock is ticking." Because? They don't have clocks. They don't have to worry about the ONE DAY when you go from fertile to infertile. Like...last month was your last chance to get pregnant.

Today, I clicked on a blog. One of the articles was titled, "Infertile at 29."

I clicked the X in the upper right-hand corner as fast as I could.

The Dog Days are NOT Over

You know the song, "Dog Days are Over," by Florence and the Machine? I used to love that song, but now I think that bitch is just lying to me.

I want to have a kid. I want to leave my job behind, and be a stay at home mom. I feel ready. I have wanted kids for about two years now, pretty much straight. (You know that you have wanted kids for a long time when your baby registry under a fake name expires.) But... nope. I am so frustrated with everything. With work, with wanting kids but things not being ready... with everything. I cry or fight back tears on most days, unless I can get myself to that wonderful numb place for a day or two. And the people closest to me are sick of hearing me bitch, I'm sure.

Every month, if we do the "deed" anywhere near my ovulation time, I am obsessed with imaginary symptoms. Seriously... fun game: type any random symptom into Google, and it will come up with some poor woman wanting to know if it is an early sign of pregnancy. Cold feet, hot feet, fever, chills, bloating, weight loss, insomnia, tiredness, headaches, aversion to old fish.... anything can be a sign of pregnancy if you are hopeful enough.

And every time I'm not pregnant, I feel like an IDIOT for hoping. Seriously, I am starting to become cynical, something I never, ever was before. I'm starting to believe that hoping for something? Anything? Is stupid. Because there is nothing wonderful around the corner. Life is trudging, marching, struggling. Doing what you have to do. And having optimism is the most painful weebles-wobble way of existence. My hopes are pushed, pushed, pushed down, and somehow, when I am not paying attention to them, they spring back up without my permission, just to open themselves up for more ridicule, more pain. It's bullshit.

My best friend keeps telling me to get out of my job, because God can't want me to be so miserable. She keeps telling me to just get pregnant. She wants the best for me. My husband loves me very much, but isn't quite ready to try for a baby. I don't want to pressure him, but I will admit that I don't quite understand. But he would be the sole provider if we have kids, and he is the head of our household, so I have to do my best to respect his feelings and not push. Then, I have a good friend who I am afraid I will lose if I ever get pregnant, because she is struggling with infertility. She and I have been talking about starting a business, but I am scared to get into a joint venture with someone who might hate me for awhile if I got pregnant.

I calculate the time in my head... if I got pregnant in August, I could quit in March or April. If we wait till October to get pregnant, I can't be home full time until May or June. OH! AND... I'm not an idiot.... only magic people get pregnant their first month trying. With my "luck"? It will take another fucking two years, (no pun intended). Unless I'm already barren. Which is a possibility.

By the way, I never was sensitive about my age at all. In a few months, I turn 29. Staring down the barrel at 30. If my brother in law brings up the fact that I am a couple years older than his brand-new baby mama again, I am going to punch him in the face. As it is, I just threw my paper-clip holder at the wall, at work.

It made me feel a little bit better, but not much.