Thursday, April 29, 2010

When Hope Doesn't Float

Sometimes, hope can really suck. Like, when you don't know whether to hope you are or aren't pregnant. Like when you are so ready and so, so not ready for that. All at the same time. How is that even possible, by the way? Hope also sucks when it is a selfish hope. When you know that you shouldn't be hoping at all. This is, after all, so very much not just about me and my wants. And most of all, hope sucks when you feel like an idiot for hoping at all.

I have taken two pregnancy tests. One was inconclusive, the other was negative. But I feel so odd. I wouldn't have even given it a second thought, but there is weirdness occurring. And I am usually like clockwork. I have been having these twinges. Weird, odd, bizarre twinges. My 'time' is almost here, so I keep going to the bathroom, hoping... for something. Hoping to need a tampon, or to not need a tampon. Seriously, it is like both of those desires are locked in some arm-wrestling match, where neither side will win. I feel like whatever happens, I will be disappointed.

Reading back over that, I realize that maybe it is better to feel disappointed because you need a tampon than to feel disappointed if you don't.

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