Questions and Comments for My Chemistry Classmates

To the girl in the front row who wears acid-washed capri pants with her socks pulled way up high underneath:

It seems that you do not feel the need to raise your hand before you blurt out a question. Why is that? It is a bit startling to the rest of us when you yell out random observations or questions while the teacher is mid-sentence. Knock that shit off, will you?

To the forty-something who has more Disney sweatshirts than is even reasonable:

Since A) this is a community college, and B) you are a student in this class, I can assume that you do not have more education than our professor, who has a doctorate twice over. Therefore, please stop challenging what she says on an almost a daily basis. She has been teaching for many years, and does not need your help.

To the slightly-smelly female in the side row:

Humming mid-lecture is never acceptable.

To the blonde guy:

Please understand that your classmates might be a little confused when you tell them you went to medical school and are just taking this as a refresher course. You look nineteen, which is way too old for tall tales.

To my lab partner:

I really like you. Really. You are kind and organized in the lab. However, we are not nearly close enough for me to point out that your nipples are out of control. Seriously. Buy a padded bra. Nippage is always distracting, but yours are often pointing in different directions or not in agreement about the temperature of the room. And the size.... it looks like you are smuggling two small stacks of dimes. If we were closer I would break it gently to you over daiquiris.

Procrastination...

Last night, I sewed the doggy-wogs a new doggy-woggy bed. I also sewed a pair of baby booties for my friend's unborn baby.

Why yes, I do have an Organic Chemistry exam tomorrow. How could you tell?

Random Fears

I have random fears. Like, unfounded.Here are a sample, for your mocking pleasure:

- Whenever I speak in front of strangers, like in a presentation or an interview, I am afraid that I will vomit. I have never vomited in a situation like that, but still, the thought will pop into my head and I will have a hard time focusing.

- Im scared of hyenas and scorpions. So much so that if someone talks about them, it makes me nervous. It should be noted that I do not live in an area that has either. (We do have a roaming buffalo in the area, but that doesnt scare me.)

- I have a reoccuring dream where I come home to find a red sportscar in the driveway. It belongs to my husband's mistress, who came over to tell us that she is six-months-pregnant. My husband doesnt so much as look at other women, and he dutifully averts his eyes when Victoria's Secret commercials come on. (By the way... I know Victoria's Secret--it's a talented surgeon.)

Gift Ideas for Ladies

For the hostess: The Celebrate cookbook by Sheila Lukins. It gives great hostessing and recipes for every occasion throughout the year. It is a personal favorite.

For the Woman who has Everything: Five nesting Lotus bowls by WhitneySmith on etsy. I cannot get over how lovely these are.

For the Wordsmith: Diamond hardcover book by windyweatherbindery on etsy. A lovely journal makes a very thoughtful gift.

For ladies you hardly know: The Petit Paris Calendar, by littlebrownpen on etsy. Everyone needs a calendar or two, and this one is small enough to display almost anywhere.

Pear altered notebook by zany on etsy. This is such a deal, you can pair it with a really nice pen for a great gift.

Gift Ideas for Kids, Ages 7-12

Ranger Rick magazine, sold by Amazon.com. Every kid loves to get mail just for them. This is a great magazine full of science and nature activities and articles. (And no advertisements!)

Roger and Hammerstein’s Cinderella movie, sold by Amazon.com. If you have to buy a movie, this might just be the one. It is beautifully done, with great music and lovely costumes.

Melissa and Doug Flower bead set, sold by Amazon.com. I have found that girls in this age group love to make and design things. Bead sets are a great option.

Gifts for Kids, Ages 3-5:

Dollhouse from Land of Nod. It can be difficult to find a nice, sturdy dollhouse.

Band in a box from Land of Nod. Do not buy this if you do not have a rock-solid relationship with the kid’s parents.

The yellow bounce ball from Lillian Vernon Kids. Yes, it’s plastic, but it promotes fun exercise that can be done in a limited space.

Gifts for Babies and Toddlers

Has anyone noticed that toy aisles are full of lots of plastic junk? I have ten nieces and nephews, and it is hard to weed through the cheap, flashy items to find gifts that the kids will love, and that I can feel good about giving.

Babies and Toddlers:

Wooden train set, also from Land of Nod. This is a classic gift that boys and girls alike will love.

Alphabet cards from Land of Nod.These are beautifully illustrated, with fun colors.

Sophie the Giraffe from Land of Nod. This is a teething toy that parents can feel good about giving their child. It is made from safe plastics and food-grade dyes. And it squeaks!