Get Out Now

I don't think men can really understand the phrase, "her clock is ticking." Because? They don't have clocks. They don't have to worry about the ONE DAY when you go from fertile to infertile. Like...last month was your last chance to get pregnant.

Today, I clicked on a blog. One of the articles was titled, "Infertile at 29."

I clicked the X in the upper right-hand corner as fast as I could.

The Dog Days are NOT Over

You know the song, "Dog Days are Over," by Florence and the Machine? I used to love that song, but now I think that bitch is just lying to me.

I want to have a kid. I want to leave my job behind, and be a stay at home mom. I feel ready. I have wanted kids for about two years now, pretty much straight. (You know that you have wanted kids for a long time when your baby registry under a fake name expires.) But... nope. I am so frustrated with everything. With work, with wanting kids but things not being ready... with everything. I cry or fight back tears on most days, unless I can get myself to that wonderful numb place for a day or two. And the people closest to me are sick of hearing me bitch, I'm sure.

Every month, if we do the "deed" anywhere near my ovulation time, I am obsessed with imaginary symptoms. Seriously... fun game: type any random symptom into Google, and it will come up with some poor woman wanting to know if it is an early sign of pregnancy. Cold feet, hot feet, fever, chills, bloating, weight loss, insomnia, tiredness, headaches, aversion to old fish.... anything can be a sign of pregnancy if you are hopeful enough.

And every time I'm not pregnant, I feel like an IDIOT for hoping. Seriously, I am starting to become cynical, something I never, ever was before. I'm starting to believe that hoping for something? Anything? Is stupid. Because there is nothing wonderful around the corner. Life is trudging, marching, struggling. Doing what you have to do. And having optimism is the most painful weebles-wobble way of existence. My hopes are pushed, pushed, pushed down, and somehow, when I am not paying attention to them, they spring back up without my permission, just to open themselves up for more ridicule, more pain. It's bullshit.

My best friend keeps telling me to get out of my job, because God can't want me to be so miserable. She keeps telling me to just get pregnant. She wants the best for me. My husband loves me very much, but isn't quite ready to try for a baby. I don't want to pressure him, but I will admit that I don't quite understand. But he would be the sole provider if we have kids, and he is the head of our household, so I have to do my best to respect his feelings and not push. Then, I have a good friend who I am afraid I will lose if I ever get pregnant, because she is struggling with infertility. She and I have been talking about starting a business, but I am scared to get into a joint venture with someone who might hate me for awhile if I got pregnant.

I calculate the time in my head... if I got pregnant in August, I could quit in March or April. If we wait till October to get pregnant, I can't be home full time until May or June. OH! AND... I'm not an idiot.... only magic people get pregnant their first month trying. With my "luck"? It will take another fucking two years, (no pun intended). Unless I'm already barren. Which is a possibility.

By the way, I never was sensitive about my age at all. In a few months, I turn 29. Staring down the barrel at 30. If my brother in law brings up the fact that I am a couple years older than his brand-new baby mama again, I am going to punch him in the face. As it is, I just threw my paper-clip holder at the wall, at work.

It made me feel a little bit better, but not much.

Frugal or Crazy?

In this whole "will-we, wont-we" baby discussion phase that Hot Husband and I are currently in, I have made a list of items that I would like if we have a kid. Every one of these items has been thoroughly researched, and I am confident in the choices I have made. So, when I saw one of these items on Craigslist, and when I saw that it was brand new, and half-price... I bought it.

Now, in addition to the "maybe baby" discussion, we have added a "crazy versus smart-planning" debate. HH is convinced I'm a nut, but I think there is very little wrong with buying something, (at half price!) that you most likely will need someday. In response, HH likes to remind me of that one time when I bought a kitchen sink off Craigslist because I was excited about us talking about maybe building a house.

He might have a point there, but I still think that the baby purchase was a good one. However, since I am such a good, submissive wife, (HA!) I have agreed to not purchase any more items for nonexistent babies. Which is a lot harder than it sounds, cause I just found a killer deal on an Ergo carrier online...

Unisex is Thrifty...

If you are planning on having more than one child, and if you are on a budget, buying unisex clothing items may be the way to go. When baby is little, there are lots of unisex options. But when they get older, things are divided more decisively into the "pink camp", or the "blue camp." Here are some things that I found that would work for either a boy or a girl:

I would say that most of these items read a little more masculine than some moms would prefer for their little girls. But accessories would go a long ways with some of these things. What about changing out the white shoelaces in the Chuck Taylors for pink and white polka-dotted ones? Or a fun little belt with those Chinos? If HH and I have kids, I will definitely try to make clothing choices that could work for a boy or a girl.

Sources: 1) Chinos, OldNavy 2) Sweater, JCrew 3) Saltwaters, Nordstroms 4) Hoodie, Gap 5) Chuck Taylors, Macys

Future Plans...

When I get knocked up, I think I will register for one of these:
Do you think anyone will get the joke?

Irony Is...

...getting your period while standing in line to buy a pregnancy test.

Yeppers, my oven is biscuit-free for now. I was surprised at how relieved I felt.

A Dream Weekend

A few years ago, my husband and I had the opportunity to stay at the Ritz Carlton, Half Moon Bay. We had no idea what we were in for. I had heard that it was nice, and was expecting something like the Hilton. The Ritz Carlton makes the Hilton look like a Motel 6. My friend and I spent the afternoon with glasses of wine, reading books in Adirondack chairs that overlooked the ocean, while the boys played a round of golf. At night, the fire pits were lit. The food was incredible, the spa was amazing, and the garlic fries in the golf clubhouse were a bit too yummy. I would really, really like to go back.

This is the kind of thing I think about when wondering whether or not to have kids. If we didn't have kids, we could go to the Ritz Carlton a lot more often. I wouldn't have to give up my reading habit. We could travel, be financially secure a LOT earlier... there really is a trade-off, and I will admit that sometimes having children does not seem worth it.

I'm Intrigued: VIPP Trashcan as a Diaper Pail

Hurray! My sister in law is pregnant! Besides the obvious benefit of a new bundle of joy in the family, this gives me a semi-legitimate reason to be stalking baby retailers. Now, I am no longer the crazy, wanna-be-pregnant lady. Now, I am a future aunt!

So, I was browsing Giggle the other day, and came across this beauty:

This stainless steel lovely is the Mercedes Benz of diaper pails. It's a VIPP trash can, and you may have seen it at your doctor's office. New parents have discovered that since it is stainless steel, it does not absorb the odors like plastic diaper pails can. VIPPs are made to last forever. And heck, isn't it cute? There is a downside, though. This little bugger costs about $320.

Even so, I am quite interested in seeing more reviews about this pail. So far, I have heard nothing but positive things about it. And if it really keeps smells in as well as people claim, isn't that money well-spent, especially if you can continue to use it long after baby is grown?

The Inevitable After-Guests Debriefing

This is kinda late, but we had our friends Justin and Lauren and their three kids over last week for the holidays.

"Does it have to be that loud?" I asked my husband with real concern, after our guests had left for the evening. "Does it have to be that way?"

"No, it doesn't." I was kind of surprised by the vehemence in his voice. After all, I had never seen him in this kind of situation, surrounded by the madness of numerous under-twelves in our home. I thought he had been very patient. He had looked unruffled throughout the entire evening.

"So talk to me. Tell me your thoughts." I love a peek inside my husband's brain, and it sounded like he definitely had an opinion about the night's events.

"Well, I know what you mean when you say that Justin isn't very hands-on. I mean, Lauren kept asking him to help out with the kids, and he just stood there. If you made a point to ask me, in front of company, to help out with one of our kids, I would assume that meant you were at the end of your rope. I would step in and discipline. And if the kid started to cry or whatever, I would just take him in the other room."

(Is it weird that I find my husband extremely hot when he talks about equitable division of parenting tasks in regards to our future children?)

"And also..." he continued, "what is with that whole 're-directing' thing? If a kid wants something, and they shouldn't have it, say no. No, you can't have that present. It isn't yours. Don't just try and distract him with something else, without making it clear. And for frick's sakes, be consistent. If you tell a kid 'no', and he keeps asking and asking and asking, and then you give it to him, what does that teach him? It teaches him that if he keeps asking long enough and wears you down, that he will eventually get what he wants."

Be still my heart. I love that man.

Our Christmas, Part One...

Last night, we had my husband's sister, brother-in-law and their four kids over to celebrate Christmas. They have a toddler, and three other kids, aged 7-13. We had a great time, but maaaaaan, that is enough to get you thinking about what it really means to have children.

They are all good kids. The littlest has so much spunk that I think we could solve the energy crisis if we could just learn how to channel it effectively. At the end of the evening, my dogs were looking up at me with big, pleading eyes, as if to say, "Can we keep him? Puh-wease?"

And even though the kid slobbered chocolate all over my velvet couch, I was surprising ok with it. I was also fine when he jumped up and down on my leather ottoman. I was alright when he tried to open my antique secretary by clawing at the drawers, and when he knocked over a couple dining room chairs. I was surprised by how alright I was with it.

In fact, the only thing that really made my heart beat a little faster was when my husband picked him up and was playing with him. Big guy with a giggling kid slung over one arm, on their way outside to play with the dogs? Yep, that looked right somehow. And even though it was nice to have some quiet and a glass of wine after they left, the house did feel a bit emptier once they all filed out the door.

Reasons For vs Reasons Against...

Now that this school madness is behind me, I can focus on other goals. These goals may or may not include: getting thin, getting knocked up, starting some kind of home-based business, and organizing my house so well that it makes everyone else feel bad about their house. I might also start learning how to do my hair in the morning, but that goal is totally unlikely. Blowing my hair dry makes me cranky. Is it a coincidence that all things called "blowing" actually suck? I think not. (Side note: Did you know that the other kind of "blowing" got it's name because a famous jazz artist way-back-when termed that act, "playing the skin flute"? Betcha didn't.)

Moving on....this past week offered Hot Husband and I some opportunities to think about reasons for and against having kids.

For instance, we went out to dinner with some engaged friends of ours, and they both expressed their passionate conviction about wanting children. Which frankly, made me feel stupid for not having made up my mind yet. I mean, there was no uncertainty there. It was like, yeah... we're totally having kids a year after we get married! And then I was thinking... well... where are the normal doubts? How are you going to pay for daycare? Or stay-at-home-mom-ness? What about autism or schizophrenia?

But they were sure. Maybe they haven't checked out the price of cribs lately?

Then, we went away for the weekend, and there was this couple in the hotel room next door with this little fuzzy rat of a dog. And they let it out of their room, and it ran over and plopped itself on the blanket I was lying on. And the lady said, "Oh Pepper, come here. Get off of there." And while I was politely waiting for the lady to come collect her mutt, the lady sighed and went back into her room, leaving her dog. Hot Husband and I exchanged a WTF glance, and I collected my blanket by yanking it out from underneath the dog, while HH swatted the thing in the head with his (paperback) book.

I pointed out to my husband that some people have kids so they don't end up being the crazy dog people. And he pointed out that we might already BE the crazy dog people, since I'm pretty darn convinced that my dog is smarter than your seven year old brat, so nyah.

Ok, have you all seen the movie, "UP"? If you haven't: do that. If you have: "I HATE squirrels!" I will wait for you to stop chuckling to yourself. I was a wreck during the first five minutes or so of that film. Like... bawling. In the movie theater. Yes, it was one of my finest moments. The point is, I don't want to leave my husband alone. What if I die when we are eighty, and there is no one to take care of him because I was too selfish with my rental space in my uterus?

But then again... I watched a Grey's Anatomy re-run, and it had a dood with mental illness on it. And I'm thinking... is it terrible of me to say that I would prefer to stay childless if I knew my son or daughter would end up mentally disturbed and try and choke me in my sleep? Am I an awful person for saying that I am scared for my children's health, and what implications that health has on me? Is that horrendous for me to think about? And if it is, does that mean that I shouldn't have a kid at all? Does it make me selfish if I only want to change my child's diaper for two years, and not thirty-two years? Am I jinxing myself for even writing this down?

Another "Never"

Ok, here is another thing that I hope to never, ever do as a mother:

-Write in the "voice" of my child. For example... I brought a present to a one year old's birthday party, and got a thank you note like this:

"Thank you oh so much for my widdle cuddly blanket. I really wuv it alot. Thanks for helping me celebrate my very first birfday! Kisses and cuddles, Paul, age 1."

Now, unless your kid is a freaking genius, Im not buying it. Usually they potty-train before they start writing in script. Here is how a thank-you note from me might read:

"Thanks for humoring us by giving up two hours of your Saturday afternoon and coming to our son's birthday party. Im sure he would thank you himself if he could, or if he knew you had been there. I will show him pictures when he is older. Thanks also for the great train set! Im sure it will keep him entertained for at least fifteen minutes at a time, (which is HUGE.)

Sincerely, ChicChickadee, Hot Husband, and Biscuit.

PS. Im very sorry about that cake-throwing incident. Please send us the drycleaning bill."

Imaginary Holiday Dress-Up

If we had a little girl, this is what she would be wearing for Christmas at the relatives' house. It's from BabyGap. And for a little boy, these:

Sorry, little biscuits. Mom is kinda preppy.

Thinking and Talking...

Last night, my husband and I got some major food for thought. We went to visit some friends who have four children and a new puppy, and we stayed for the whole day. Watching other people deal with their kids is always interesting, and always makes me think of how my husband and I will handle our kids.

On the ride home, we chatted about the kids, discipline, parental involvement and structure. It is nice to know that we are on the same page on so many issues when it comes to kids. Im very glad that I am married to a guy that doesnt want to sit back and watch me raise our kids.

Letting a Baby Cry...Opinion Shitstorm

Today I was reading the blog Heir to Blair, which is fabulously snarky. Love it.

Anyhoo, one of her posts was about how she and a friend of hers were discussing the natural feelings that occur when your child has been screaming for no apparent reason, for hours. You can read that here. It's a refreshingly honest post, and it was great to read all the supportive comments behind it.

Afterwards, I googled "Is it ok to let a baby cry?"

It amazed me how many people out there believe that it is not ok for a baby to cry by itself, ever. There were many comments about how babies only have the one way of communicating, so we should always be right there to listen and comfort them.

Whatever. If a baby is fed, clean, dry, and comfortable, that's about all you can do. Sure, any reasonable person knows that babies need lots of contact and love. That's why God made them so cute--so people would want to pick them up and nuzzle them. But the idea that babies only cry because the caretaker is not doing something right is absolute madness. Some posts out there were downright terrible. No wonder some new parents feel like failures--they have people out there telling them it is never acceptable for their child to be inconsolable.

I think there has to be a healthy understanding that there is a limit to what parents can do to soothe a baby. And once you have exhausted all those options, there is nothing wrong with putting the kid in his crib and taking a shower with some music on. It's all about maintaining your sanity at that point, and that is what is best for the baby.

Nevers and Always

These are so I can document how much I change if I ever become a parent:

- I dont want my kids to be spoiled. I want them to be happy with crayons and a new coloring book for Christmas when they are little.

- I dont want my kids to have 'stupid' toys. If it has a battery, lights and bright plastic, I dont want it in the house. I want my kids to play with books, puzzles, wood blocks and cloth dolls.

- My kids will not hit the dogs and get away with it. I hate it when parents let their children pull animals' tails and ears and play it off like it's cute. It's not cute. And I dont blame Fido for yelping and nipping at them.

- I will not let me kids bump into or push strangers without either me or the kid apologizing for their actions. Kids do not exist in a vacuum. Just because you think your kid is adorable while running through the grocery store/library/restaurant doesnt mean everyone else does.

- I will spank my kids if I think it is best for them. (Shocked, arent you? Im ok with that.)

- I am going to be a f-ing mother bear when it comes to my kids. If someone thinks they know better for my kids, or tries to undermine my or my husband's authority with them... so help me...my blood pressure rises just thinking about it.

- The kids do not rule the house. They do not rule the marriage. They dont. The best thing a man can do for his kids is to love their mother. The best thing a woman can do for her kids is to love their father. The marriage has to be able to last after the kids are out of the house.

- My kids will not have the luxury of being picky eaters. If they get hungry enough, they will eat. Im not talking about allergies, here. My parents never gave us the option of being picky, and it never occurred to us kids that we had the choice. If children are starving in Africa, my kid shouldnt be able to whine about not liking tuna casserole.

- On the same note... I get to pick out what my kids wear, to an extent. My Mom picked out my clothes until I was eight or so. And then, she didnt let me argue with her at the store. She picked it out, and I put it on. I have no problems with kids having CHOICES between outfits, but if they aren't buying it, they dont have much say in what those choices are, now do they?

- Furniture is not a trampoline or a punching bag. Get your freaking feet off the sofa.

Blessed Ignorance

So, I read blogs. Blogs about lots of things, including Mom blogs.

Here's the thing... (dont hate me for saying this out loud...) Can it really be THAT hard? (I can sense that the future me is going to want to kick present me's ass someday.)

I used to babysit all the time, and it wasnt that hard. You cook, clean, play with them, put them down for a nap and listen to them cry for awhile. I babysat babies, toddlers and kids for years. It wasnt that difficult. I dealt with poo, vomit, pee, blood, boogers, snot and bruises. I have gotten cat food out of a baby's mouth and been bitten in the process, dealt with an explosive diaper, (that kid got a bath), and built a fort out of couch pillows to keep a kid contained during their nap.

So, (again forgive me,) when I hear that a Mom cant find time to take a shower for two days, my initial reaction is to scoff a little bit. My initial reaction is to say... well, they must be doing it WRONG.

I am fully aware that this position is based on woeful ignorance of actually being a parent, but isnt parenting just very, very long-term babysitting, with way more responsibility and love? Is it just harder because you care more? To me, if you need to take a shower, you take a shower. You strap the kid in their bouncy chair and bring them into the bathroom with you. Or you plop the little booger in the crib. Fifteen minutes of irritation or boredom wont kill it.

That would work....right??

Questions to Ask Before Having a Baby

Ah, yes. The madness continues unabated.

I read an article on TheBump.com about questions you should ask youself before having a baby. I thought I would answer them here, for your viewing amusement:

1. How many kids do we envision having?

I dont know about my husband, but I think that three would be just about perfect. I came from a family with three kids, and I like the dynamic. Two kids is too few, four kids might be too much. Five is WAY too many.

2. How old is too old to have a baby?

I want to have my first kid before I even turn 29. Holy crap, we need to get crackin'.

3. And how old is too old to have kids in the house?

Can I kick them out before they hit 13?

4. If we got pregnant next month, what would we think? Yay? Yikes??

How about "Yaykes"?

5. Are there things we desperately want to do or accomplish before becoming a trio?

I want to stay home with the babies until they are six months old at least. So, we need to be saving for that. And, I would at least like to be into nursing school when I get pregnant.

6. Who's the first person we'd tell?

I would want to tell my Mom and Dad first, after I passed the first trimester. Then, I would want to tell my sister, and my sister in law. Then, I would want to wait until after the second trimester, and tell everyone else. That way, people have waaaay less time to ask me about the goings on of my uterus. Living hours away from all family has it's benefits sometimes.

7. What lifestyle changes will we need to make when we become parents?

This is the one that I am concerned about. I like driving fast with my music loud and ordering pizza and not folding laundry and sleeping in. Ah, how I love sleep. I also like cussing at people while driving. It calms me down. What if I have to give all that up? What if I stop being me? I dont want to change so much that I dont recognize myself in the mirror.

8. Do daddies (or mommies) do diapers?

Since we are planning on using cloth diapers, I know that I will be the one doing the diaper laundry. But we will both change the diapers. This is only fair. I hate it when I hear stories of Dads waiting until the Mom gets home, so she can change the diaper. Some people think that is hilarious. I think that is selfish bullshit. What about that poor little bumkin who is sitting in his own poo for the extra half an hour? If it is that messy, stick him in the bath and rinse him off. Easy, peasy.

9. Who's going to take care of the kids?

Um, this question confuses me. Obviously, the parents will, right? I mean... is this question referring to daycare? If that is the case, I hope that my Mom moves up near me. If not, I will look into having one of my friends, (a very experienced mother) watch them once or twice a week.

10. What's our response when people ask about baby plans?

I tell them we aren't ready. I still might be saying that when I am eight months pregnant.

Little Changes for a Little One

So, I cant make all the changes neccessary for having a baby right now, but I can make some of them:

-I have switched us over to Charlie's Soap, a non-toxic, environmentally responsible soap that is safe for babies. I figure, by the time the kid gets here, everything in the house will have been washed at least once with the stuff.

- We are getting a gun safe of some kind in the near future. VERY important, since my husband is a hunter and gun enthusiast. Those suckers will be locked up so tight... We are already responsible gun owners, but there have not been any children under the age of 13 in our house, and that was just the one time. We need to start looking at the house from a different angle.

- We're pulling the big goalie, and switching to rubber ones. I have read that it can take up to a year to return to full fertility after removing an IUD, so I have my appointment in a couple of weeks.

- Getting the house/yard/body cleaned up. We have some SERIOUS work to do on this one. Our yard looks like no one has done anything with it in a year. (Oh, I suppose that's true. Full time work and school will do that, I guess.)

It's not much, but it is all I can control. That, and adding more folic acid to my diet.

Impatience and Planning and Control

Warning: This is a very disjointed post, and it is a tad depressing.

I have a problem with patience. I hardly have any. And I have a problem with not having a plan. For the last year, I have had focus. I have been getting all my pre-reqs done for nursing school. But now, the semester is closing, and all my pre-reqs will be done. So I have to just wait. And I dont like waiting. I like a plan, a list, and no unknowns.

I have no idea how this is all going to work out. If I get into nursing school for the fall, the decision will be easy. I will go through school and then have kids. But what if I dont get in for the fall? Or the next spring? How long will I wait to get into nursing school before having babies? I'm freaking out a bit. My birthday is around this time, and I will turn a number that ushers me into a new era, a bit. The OFFICIAL late twenties. And, according to some experts, the age when your fertility starts to decline.

I know that we "cant" afford to have kids right now. It is scary just to think about it. But according to some people, no one can really afford to have kids. And I want to stay home with ours, which makes it even more difficult. I dont think it is fair to dump all that reponsibility on my husband, either.

It is such a crappy balancing act. How long should we wait? What if, in three years, we can afford to have kids, but I'm now infertile? What if we have a baby and really can't afford it?

And most confusing of all, why does this suddenly matter to me? It's like I came around the corner of this year, saw this birthday looming, and now I want a baby. And I'm so not ready for a baby. I have a crapload of things to do before it's even possible. Finances, weight, getting the house ready, finishing a bunch of projects, figuring out a support system, my career, my husband's health, the yard, getting on the same page with my husband. So I guess the question is, how can I be ready when Im SO NOT ready??

I'm trying to fight these feelings off. I would rather not have these wants when there is nothing I can do about it. There are so many things out of my control. Frankly, Im a tad miserable right now. It is hard to keep working towards things that you have no control over.

I have no control whether I get into school this time around. It is a lottery system, pretty much. And I have no control over when or if my husband feels ready for kids. Getting our house refinanced would really help with the finances aspect, but I have no control over whether that will happen. I have no control over whether we meet some good people up here and make friends, (we've been trying for like four years.... it's like quadruple blind dating.) My one Christian friend is moving away in a month.

It is a frustrating feeling, this impotence. Like, nothing I want in my life matters. It doesn't matter that I want this or that. Why should I have to feel these feelings, when I can't do jack shit about it? Yes, I am having a pity party. But it's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Happy freaking birthday! Your eggs are dying!